


Life is Stranger Than Fiction

by DarthMama



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Brotp's are almost OTP's, F/M, Friend fiction turned bad, Other, Varric is writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-03
Updated: 2015-02-03
Packaged: 2018-03-10 08:31:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3283805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarthMama/pseuds/DarthMama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Varric is writing again, which should make Cassandra happy!  Except his choice in heroines and genre have her seeing red as well as turning it.  Idea was spawned over tumblr and wouldn't leave!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life is Stranger Than Fiction

**Author's Note:**

  * For [eternalshiva](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternalshiva/gifts).



The scratch of a quill running at a maddening pace across paper was music to Varric’s ears almost as much as when Bianca was humming under his hands…the crossbow that was not the woman. It was always a great thing to have stories to tell, even if they were simply ones made up in his own head. This one had been begging to be written since he found out about Cassandra being a sucker for his books and specifically his romance serials.

The idea had been simply too terrible (and by terrible he meant good) to pass up. For a time it had looked like an idea dead in the water. Cooking up a proper male character to be the foil to Sandra Ghalyan had been something of a trial. He always worked better when he had someone in mind but at first he hadn’t had a clue what kind of man Sandra (and he was big to make the distinction) would like.

Inspiration had hit in the form of a certain Commander losing his shirt to an Antivan diplomat.

Of course all the ladies had been oogling the Commander and Varric was truthful when he told Chuckles that Curly was around to look good. He was pretty sure one of the reasons Josephine had conned him into losing everything was because all the ladies wanted to see him out of armor…and a few of the men as well considering Sparkler and Tiny’s reactions.

Still, it wouldn’t be long before he had a new book to send to the printer’s and this one…well Varric didn’t think of himself as great in the romance writer’s department but he thought there would be more than a few that liked to read it.

There was a loud bang then that had the dwarf jumping in his seat by the fire. A frown and a swear as his quill scratched a line of ink across the page. Now he’d have to rewrite the whole damn thing. Who the hell was-

A leather glove shot into his line of sight, clamping down on the material of his shirt and forcing it closed. He blinked down for a split second, recognizing the studded material and letting out a sigh. “Oh…right.”

Cassandra hauled the dwarf bodily out of his chair, her teeth bared and her eyes blazing in one of her momentary rages. Varric had to admit being a little concerned since the last time she had been so angry had been when he had hidden Hawke from her. She kept opening her mouth to try and speak but apparently could only manage random growls and grunts of disgust and frustration. That was a new one considering Cassandra was always ready to throw some insults about his parentage his way.

“I’m going to send you the bill for a new shirt Seeker,” Varric managed to get out before he stepped on her toe to shock her out of her state. Apparently this was a bad idea as Cassandra shook him hard enough for his teeth to rattle.

“Sandra Ghaslyan and Collin Rutherson!?” Cassandra finally managed to spit out.

Varric squirmed and wondered if maybe he should consider if his life was worth more than the shirt. How the hell had Cassandra found out about the book!? Wait…he had been wondering where he put a particularly steamy scene this morning…

Dammit he was going to have a few words with Sera about digging through his work if he survived this.

“Just working names,” he said for now hoping words might save him. “Totally was going to come up with better ones.”

“Oh really?” Cassandra said, dropping the dwarf to fish out a sheaf of paper from a pouch on her hip. She snapped it out like a royal decree before clearing her throat.

“The studded leather of her gloves hit the floor as Sandra dug her fingers into the Commander’s golden hair. His brown eyes wide in surprise as she hauled him on top of her,” she began, her words getting harsh at the identifying points. “She cared not for the chain of command or the war that raged around them. All she knew was that she desperately need those wide palmed around her hips and his - UGH!”

She threw her hands in the air, tossing the paper behind her. “I cannot even read it knowing it’s smut about myself and our Commander!”

There was a slight rustling behind her and a considering hum. “Hmm…Varric I don’t think someone who has been through as many fights as myself can bend the way you have Collin and Sandra doing in this paragraph.”

Cassandra’s face was priceless as her eyes widened and her jaw stopped mid speech. She turned around and Cullen was standing in front of her. The paper of smut she had tossed behind her in his hands as his eyes scanned it quickly yet from the color deepening on his cheeks he obviously was retaining what he had read.

Varric at first thought he was doomed, but for all of Curly’s stick in the mud tendencies the former templar’s mouth simply worked into an amused grin as he chuckled in amusement. 

“You…you are laughing about this?” Cassandra asked Cullen seeming to be shocked about it.

“W-Well it’s c-certainly imaginative,” Cullen managed to get out seeming to remember his surroundings as he straightened and cleared his throat. His color was still high and he seemed nervous as Cassandra advanced on him.

“How can you not be outraged from this?” she asked sounding genuinely confused about that as well as pissed off. Varric had to admit that he wondered himself but then Curly had a sense of humor about him where as Cassandra was far more serious. In his head Varric could already imagine the scene evolving between Sandra and Collin…maybe featuring a dark haired baby with daddy’s eyes that had been doing something Mama thought inappropriate on Dada’s watch.

Cullen simply shrugged and crossed his arms. “It’s fiction and the dwarf can write whatever he wishes. It hardly changes that you were there to fight a monster out of Chantry legend or that I commanded an army into the Arbor Wilds. I’m more surprised this didn’t come up during the mess with Corypheus honestly.”

“But he-”

“Cassandra,” Cullen said with straining patience. “Let’s look at it this way. Is there any truth to what goes into the story?”

That brought the dark haired woman up short as she scowled. “Well no but-”

“Then leave it alone. Your impulse will have people seeing things that aren’t actually there. Why reaction with such emotion unless they are engaged?”

Cassandra blinked for a moment but Varric could see the gears turning in her head. For all that the two were similar Cullen was the more patient one and more likely to think things through than Cassandra who had a habit of charging first and thinking later. One of the reasons he thought them a good match beyond the naked Wicked Grace game. Cullen thought to much and Cassandra not enough at times and they valued the same things. He didn’t doubt that others saw it, or at least some of them anyway.

Cassandra let out a sigh and her shoulders slumped. The blond man's logic winning out against her automatic response to beat things into submission. “You are right Commander. I am…simply not comfortable with someone painting me so…” she struggled to come up with a word to apply.

“Amazing?” Varric stated with a question.

Cassandra simply sent the dwarf a venomous look before scowling. “Make sure that you lock your stories up better. I am certain Sera will delight in digging out more scintillating bits when you aren’t looking.”

“Trust me, she’s not going to be getting any more sneak peeks,” Varric stated with steel in his tone. That elf was going to have her neck wrung if she ever pulled this on him again. He let out a sigh as Cassandra headed back down the stairs to the courtyard, thankful to still be alive.

Cullen, his arms still crossed though he shifted his weight from foot to foot fixed Varric with a glare. “You owe me dwarf,” he stated with a stern look before reaching into his armor and pulling out several more sheafs of paper. “Sera took the liberty to have these spread around the barracks. Took me most of the morning to realize why soldiers kept winking at me and congratulating me like I had conquered Orlais.”

“Bloody elf. I think she’s gotten worse without the Inquisitor here to give her an outlet,” Varric grumbled as he took the papers. Much as he understood the Inquisitor and Josephine needing to go visit her family it shifted the balance of power in the keep and let some people run amok. “And I think Orlais would be easier to get under you than the Seeker there Curly.”

That had Cullen fixing him with a look that made the dwarf’s blood go cold. “Mind the tongue Varric. Cassandra is a good woman and one of my best friends. I’d run your through myself before I let you go slandering her name in my presence.”

“Right…sorry. Just that the best of friends make the best couples I hear,” Varric admitted rubbing a hand at the back of his head nervously before he looked at the former templar. “Still I gotta ask…have you really never thought about it? I mean she's not my type but I hear some of the recruits at times wondering what's under that armor…”

Cullen face flushed and he looked alarmed as he cleared his throat. A hand rubbing at the back of his neck and telling Varric that Cullen had indeed thought about Cassandra in more than just a friend context at least once. “N-No that would…Um. I’ve m-more r-respect for her than that,” he stammered out before clearing his throat. “Excuse m-me, I believe L-Leliana is waiting for me in the war room.”

Varric gave a nod as Cullen practically ran for the door. The dwarf grinning to himself. “So-k Curly, she scares the hell out of everyone. Hmm…I wonder if that’s her whole method of keeping the boys at bay. Oh I bet in chapter five I can see about Collin addressing her tactics, he’s so much better at them than she is after all. All steel and swords attitude that needs taming…oh that’s a good title! Taming the Steel, sounds perfect!”


End file.
